GOON
SHOW: TLO 62960
5TH
SERIES: No 1
1st
BROADCAST: 28 Sep 1954
Script by Spike
Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Home Service
GRAMS: Boos,
Whistles.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Boos
stop immediately.
SEAGOON: My Lords,
Ladies and Gentlemen, back from the dead, we present half an hour of continuous
radio fighting, in both corners - The Goons!
ORCHESTRA: Circus ring music.
GRAMS: Boos.
Whistles.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Boos
stop immediately.
SEAGOON: Mr.
Greenslade?
FX: Chains being dragged along the floor.
GREENSLADE: (Feeble) Yes, Master?
SEAGOON: Tell the
masses, Mr. Greenslade, what we have in store
GREENSLADE: Yes, master.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goons and myself after successful season of
unemployment, return to the air for a long series of 1
ECCLES: Ooooh!
GREENSLADE: They commence
with a mystery play, packed from end to end with mediocrity, under the title
of...
THROAT: The Whistling
Spy Enigma.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord.
SELLERS: The crimes
you are about to hear have all been specially committed for this programme.
Here to tell you a story with the aid of smoke-glass ear-trumpet and
reconditioned head is Captain Hairy Seagoon
GRAMS: Frantic
audience applause and cheers.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Applause
stops immediately.
SEAGOON: I remember
when it all started. At the time I was asleep in my electrified elephant
hammock, when through the pigeon hole flew a carrier pigeon. There was
something strapped to it's leg - it was a postman.
POSTMAN: A letter for
youuuuuuu.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Hurriedly
I tore open the letter. Inside was an envelope, with a message that said...
MILLIGAN: Report at
once to MI5.
SEAGOON: The letter
was written in a disguised voice. Hurriedly strapping on a fresh pigeon I flew
out of the window.
GRAMS: Bird
wings flapping.
ORCHESTRA: Mystical glissando.
FX: Four rapid knocks on the door.
GRYTPYPE: Come in!
FX: Door handle turned.
SEAGOON: Captain Hairy
Seagoon reporting for duty as instructed, sir. I'm ready to die for the flag,
bleed for my country, suffer great sufferings, and all for
GRYTPYPE: You silly
twisted boy, you. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you. (Aside) So this was the fabulous
Lance-Brigadier Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. I drew up a chair and placed it at
the table next to him. Gad, how cunningly he was disguised! Stark naked, save
for a souwester, string lorgnettes and a pair of identical plimsolls.
GRYTPYPE: Now, Captain
Seagoon…
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
GRYTPYPE: Please don't
do that. Captain, you have been specially selected for a specially dangerous
mission.
SEAGOON: Does this
mean I've been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission?
GRYTPYPE: So you
guessed, eh? Seagoon, you are to make your way to
SEAGOON: Will I have
to go abroad?
GRYTPYPE: If all else
fails, yes. It's dangerous work.
SEAGOON: I suppose
I'll have to take risks?
GRYTPYPE: Oh yes, and a
small pot of tea.
SEAGOON: What does
this mean?
GRYTPYPE: It means
you've been chosen to go abroad with a packet of Risks and a small pot of tea.
SEAGOON: For what
reason?
GRYTPYPE: Reason? Does
there have to be a reason?
SEAGOON:
Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po.
GRYTPYPE: Very well, if
that's the way you feel about it, I'll tell you. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
GRYTPYPE: During the
last eighteen months you may have noticed that throughout the civilised world (and
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: And do you
know why?
SEAGOON: Yes. I don't
know why.
GRYTPYPE: I'll tell
you. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
GRYTPYPE: One thing
killed
SEAGOON: Does this
mean sabotage?
GRYTPYPE: You may well
ask that.
SEAGOON: I did ask it
well.
GRYTPYPE: I suppose you
did. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
GRYTPYPE: This is
Operation Explodable Boot. You will make your way to
SEAGOON: X? How do you
spell it?
GRYTPYPE:
Eeeeeyyyyyeeex.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
How do I contact him?
GRYTPYPE: By whistling
a highly skilled mysterious secret tune. The moment he hears it he'll hand you
a sealed envelope, heavily sealed.
SEAGOON: But the
secret tune?
GRYTPYPE: It goes like
this: (whistles the Hungarian Rhapsody.)
SEAGOON: Wait! That's
the Hungarian Rhapsody. What's secret about that?
GRYTPYPE: Fool! Didn't
you notice? I was whistling it in English.
SEAGOON: I know, but
there are thousands of Hungarians who can whistle in English fluently.
GRYTPYPE: How dare
they!
SEAGOON: In any case,
I can't whistle.
GRYTPYPE: Curses. We
shall have to think about this. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentlemen,
while Captain Seagoon and the Brigadier are thinking, we, the BBC, would like
to entertain you with a smile and a song from that well-known tenor Webster
Smogule.[1]
SMOGULE: Thank you, Ricky
Fulton. Ahem. I should like to commence my programme with a song that is
rapidly climbing to the top of the House guard's parade. That lovely melody
that I have just recorded from my latest film, which is now showing north of
the river, and is called 'I shine for you alone' by Butoir. Cyril, can I have
my music please?
ORCHESTRA: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING.
SMOGULE: (Sings) I shineeeeeeee...
GRYTPYPE: (Interrupts.) I've got it, Seagoon, I've got it!
FX: Telephone rings and door opens.
ODIUM: (Rapid nonsense.)
GRYTPYPE: Odium?
ODIUM: Yuuuus?
GRYTPYPE: Send in our
highly skilled mysterious whistling espionage agent.
ODIUM: (Rubbish.)
GRYTPYPE: Oh thank you.
FX: Door
shuts.
SEAGOON: You mean
you'll send a man with me that can do all my highly skilled mysterious secret
whistling?
GRYTPYPE: Exactly.
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Ah, Seagoon.
This is him, the man who can remember a tune no matter how complicated
SEAGOON: How do you
do?
ECCLES: I'm fine,
fine. Yup, I'm fine, fine. Yup, and you?
SEAGOON: I'm very well
thank you.
ECCLES: Uh hum. Uh
hum. Yup, yup. Fine. Yup. How's your old dad?
SEAGOON: My old dad?
ECCLES: Yup. How's
your old dad?
SEAGOON: My old dad's
very well, to be sure. (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha…
ECCLES: Good. Good,
good, good, good. My old dad's okay too, you know? Yup, yup. My old dad's fine,
he's fine. Yup, he's okay. My old dad's okay
SEAGOON: Yes, yes. I'm
sure he is. Ahem…
ECCLES: Yup. Your old
dad's okay, and my old dad's okay. They're both okay. Both our old dads are
okay. They're both okay. Aren't they?
SEAGOON: Yes.
Brigadier, this man doesn't look very intelligent.
ECCLES: I heard that,
I heard that. Let me tell you, it aint looks that count, it's what you got up
here that matters?
SEAGOON: And what have
you got up there?
ECCLES: Nothing. (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha! How's your old dad?
SEAGOON: I don't see
what my dad's health has got to do with you.
SEAGOON
& ECCLES: (Argument. Fade into
distance.)
GRYTPYPE: Max Geldray?
Pull up a chair!
SEAGOON & ECCLES:
(Arguing)
GRYTPYPE: Gentlemen,
please. Please. I've just been on the phonograph to HQ. You are to collect a
new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune direct from our own highly skilled
mysterious piano composer. Eccles knows him well.
SEAGOON: How far is
it?
ECCLES: Oooh, sixty-three
miles.
SEAGOON: Let's go
GRAMS: Two
whooshes.
ECCLES: (Out of breath) This is the house. I shall now give the
secret knock, that only he and I know.
FX: Three knocks on door. Repeated on other side of door.
ECCLES: That's him!
FX: Two knocks on door – repeated on other side of door. Three knocks on
door – repeated on other side. One knock on door – repeated on other side. Four
knocks on door – repeated on other side. Five knocks on door – repeated on
other side. Knock the rhythm of ‘shave and a haircut two bits’ on door –
repeated on other side.
CRUN: Who is it, ehi?
Who is it?
SEAGOON: Open this
door at once or we break it down, so Heaven help me as I live and breathe
CRUN: How ever did
you get a name like that?
SEAGOON: I have
influence
ECCLES: Open up, Mr.
Crun, it's me, Eccles
CRUN: Oh Eccles,
it's me, Mr. Crun
ECCLES: Oh Mr. Crun,
it's me, Eccles
CRUN: Oh, Mr.
Eccles
ECCLES: Yeah
CRUN: Well well
well
SEAGOON: You idiots!
ECCLES: We're idiots,
yeah
SEAGOON: Mr, Crun,
sir, open this door at once
CRUN: I can't, it's
locked, and the key's lost
SEAGOON: Curse, the
door's locked
CRUN: Try the
window that's open
SEAGOON: Right
FX: Tries to open a locked wooden window frame
SEAGOON: Oh curse! The
window's locked as well
CRUN: It's open
SEAGOON: It's locked.
Come out and see for yourself
CRUN: I will.
FX: Door opens and closes.
CRUN: Now, let me
try it
FX: Locked window frame rattling.
CRUN: You're right,
you know, the window is locked. What a state of affairs, the window and the
door
ECCLES: Oh, I'll go
inside and open it
SEAGOON: Bravo!
ECCLES: Okay
FX: Door opens and closes.
ECCLES: (Distant) Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good,
the window's locked from the inside as well
SEAGOON: There's a
fine how do you do!
CRUN: Where?
SEAGOON: Are you sure
you can't find the key to the door?
CRUN: My dear
military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself
SEAGOON: Right. Lead
on
FX: Door opens and closes.
CRUN: Now, it used
to hang on the nail behind this door
SEAGOON: Well, it's
certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out
FX:
Three knocks on door.
CRUN: Who's there?
ECCLES: It's me,
Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl in through it.
CRUN: We can't come
out, the door's locked and we've lost the key.
ECCLES: Oooh, can I
come in and help look for it?
FX: Door opens.
CRUN: Of course,
come in.
FX: Door shuts.
ECCLES: Thank you.
CRUN: Now let me
see. Aughhh!
SEAGOON: Good show.
FX: Key in lock.
CRUN: Now, I'll
just unlock the door and let them in.
FX: Door opened.
CRUN: Good heavens!
All that trouble for nothing!
SEAGOON: Why?
CRUN: There's
nobody out here.
SEAGOON: The fools
must have got impatient and run away.
CRUN: Well, never
mind about them, what about you? You've come for the new highly skilled
mysterious whistling tune, haven't you?
SEAGOON: Exactly. You
must teach it to Eccles.
CRUN: Good, good.
Now Eccles, have you ever heard this tune before?
ECCLES: No.
CRUN: What do you
men 'no', I haven't sung it yet?!
ECCLES: Oooh, so
that's why I haven't heard it. (Laughs) Ha ha ha!
CRUN: Now listen.
ECCLES: Yup.
CRUN: (whistles the secret tune)
CRUN: Got that
Eccles?
ECCLES: How did that
go again?
CRUN: (whistles the secret tune)
FX: Pop of cork.
CRUN: Did you see
where they went?
ECCLES: What?
CRUN: My teeth!
GRAMS: Siren, then bagpipes, then explosion, followed
by clucking chicken.
CRUN: Answer that
phone!
SEAGOON: Hello? Yes,
right. Crun, we've got to find
CRUN: But I haven't
taught Eccles the tune!
SEAGOON: You'll have
to come with us
CRUN: Ummm. (Calls) Minnie!
BANNISTER: (at a
distance) unintelligible mm's
CRUN: Minnie!
BANNISTER: What is it
Henry?
CRUN: I'm going to
BANNISTER: I'll leave
your dinner in the oven.
CRUN: Minnie!
SEAGOON: Come, men, to
horse, giddup
FX: Horse hooves galloping.
BOTH:
(Extended)
CRUN: Captain,
Captain Seagoon!
SEAGOON: What? What,
what what?
CRUN: Tell me, is
it very far to
SEAGOON: Yes
CRUN: Then why do
we keep galloping round and round this blasted room?
SEAGOON: I'm waiting
for someone to open the door.
SEAGOON: Ellington!
ELLINGTON: Yes!
SEAGOON & CRUN:
Open the door!
GRAMS: Dick Barton theme - (The Devils
Gallop.)
SELLERS: The Whistling
Spy Enigma, part two. Seagoon and party are on their way to
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme tune
BLOODNOK: Arrr, ooh,
thud me fneficks and fetch my fungs, and other time filling in phrases
SEAGOON: Major Dennis
Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: The same. Who
are you sir?
SEAGOON: (Whistles the tune rapidly.)
BLOODNOK: Very
interesting, but who the blazes are you?
SEAGOON: My card.
BLOODNOK: It's blank.
SEAGOON: I know, I'm
keeping my identity a secret. But I'll tell you my name.
BLOODNOK: Glad to hear
it Captain Seagoon. Pull up a chair.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
Yes, it's been quite a journey. It's no fun hiding under a third class railway
seat
BLOODNOK: You've been
hiding under a - The disgrace! You know very well we British only hide under
first class seats.
SEAGOON: Yes, but I
was trying to save money.
BLOODNOK: I understand.
Pull up a chair!
SEAGOON: Thank you.
Major...
BLOODNOK: Ah
SEAGOON: ...I have
been shadowed here by the Hungarian highly skilled mysterious secret
anti-whistling police
BLOODNOK: Horrors!
SEAGOON: Yes, I'd like
to spend the week here if possible. What do you say?
BLOODNOK: Twelve and
six a day, food extra
SEAGOON: Your charging
me, an Englishman, to stay at the British Embassy?
BLOODNOK: It's the
holiday season. They charge twice as much at
SEAGOON: I'm not here
on holiday, I'm here on a dangerous mission
BLOODNOK: You mean you
might get killed?
SEAGOON: Yes
BLOODNOK: Oh well,
that's different. Well, under the circumstances, I must ask for the rent in
advance
SEAGOON: I've never
been so insulted in all my life!
BLOODNOK: Come now,
with a face like that? You must have been!
SEAGOON: By St.
George, you drive me hard, sir, I'll knock you down, I'll... shhhh!
FX: Footsteps coming up stairs.
SEAGOON: Can you hear
those highly skilled mysterious footsteps coming up the highly skilled
mysterious stairs?
BLOODNOK: No
SEAGOON: Neither can I
BLOODNOK: Well we'd
better start hearing them soon or it'll be too late
SEAGOON: Your
absolutely right. It must be a highly skilled mysterious enemy!
BLOODNOK: Of course.
The moment he enters the room strike him down with something
SEAGOON: Right. Hand
me that piano
BLOODNOK: That's no
good, it's out of tune
SEAGOON: Curse, never
mind. Hand me that 600 foot factory chimney in the corner
BLOODNOK: No, no, not
that, it's my last one! Don't touch! (hear secret whistling tune)
SEAGOON: Shh, shh. The
highly skilled whistling tune. It must be the noble Eccles
BLOODNOK: Hoozah!
FX: Door opened suddenly.
MORIARTY: Ah, Captain
Seagoon. Hands up!
BLOODNOK: Oooh!
MORIARTY: Who are you?
BLOODNOK: Mother Brown
MORIARTY: Knees up!
BLOODNOK: Graze me
grundles, its Villion De La Paprickon Moriarty ne Smith, head of that dreaded
highly skilled mysterious anti-whistling Hungarian counter espionage agents
MORIARTY: Well said
BLOODNOK: Thank you
MORIARTY: Now, what is
the highly skilled mysterious whistling tune? I must know!
SEAGOON: I won't tell
MORIARTY: Ahhh, I warn
you! I will count up to a highly skilled 40,000 and then I'll shoot
SEAGOON: 40,000?
MORIARTY: Yes, I've to
go home for my gun
SEAGOON: (aside) When I saw that he was a dwarf I was
all for attacking him straight away, but Bloodnok stopped me
BLOODNOK: No, wait 'til
he gets older
SEAGOON: Finally, on
his ninety-third birthday, we sprang
GRAMS: Struggle,
Cast shouts as well
SEAGOON: Stop! (stops
immediately, Neddy pants) Right, let's go
GRAMS: Struggle
resumes
WEBSTER SMOGULE: (over
struggle) Ladies and gentlemen, while Major Bloodnok and Captain Seagoon are so
valiantly fighting for their country, I would like to sing that beautiful song,
'I Shine For You Alone', can I have my music please?
ORCHESTRA: Long drawn out grand opening
SMOGULE: I shineeee
for you aloneeee, And my arms
FX: Gunshot
SMOGULE: Ahhh!
SEAGOON: (still over
struggle) Finally we battled with Moriarty, but in the darkness we grappled for
3 hours, oooh
FX: Telephone rings, and is picked
up
SEAGOON: Stop! (struggle
stops immediately) Hello?
MORIARTY: (on other end)
Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes?
MORIARTY: Moriarty. I
just thought I'd tell you I've been home for the last two hours (phone put down).
SEAGOON: What? Then
who's this we've been battering on the bonce?
ECCLES: I've been
wondering when you were going to ask that
SEAGOON: Eccles, my
poor, poor Eccles
ECCLES: How do you
recognise me?
SEAGOON: Who else
wears a reconditioned head?
ECCLES: I've been
looking everywhere for you. For the last ten days I've been up the main street
whistling the secret tune
SEAGOON: Any contacts?
ECCLES: Yeah, two
ladies took me home (laughs)
SEAGOON: Time's
running out, I wonder who the secret highly skilled mysterious British agent
is. Try whistling it once more.
ECCLES: Okay. (whistle
secret tune)
SEAGOON: Shh. Shh What
luck! There's someone answering the call.
LEW: You the one
who's been doing all the whistling?
ECCLES: Yeah
LEW: For Lord's
sake turn it up, we're trying to get some kip upstairs
SEAGOON: Curse! Where
the devil can the the highly skilled British agent be? (silence) Where can the
mysterious British agent be? (coughs, then shouts) Where can the mysterious
deaf British agent...
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you
call, my highly skilled mysterious cap-i-tain. Sorry I didn't hear you first
time, but my Dan Dare super cut-out cardboard radio receiver failed at a
crucial moment. Moves upstage, strikes heroic pose, unstrikes it when trousers
fall down. Hee-Hee. Your turn
SEAGOON: Tell me, who
are you, you dirty-nosed Goon?
ECCLES: Well I'm
Eccles, I told you that...
SEAGOON: Not you! You!
BLUEBOTTLE: I am secret
agent Bluebottle. Strikes mystery pose in army surplus night-shirt covered in
egg stains. See, I will now show my nordic features. Whips off false beard,
false ear 'oles and dirty big cardboard nose. Ole!
SEAGOON: But you look
exactly the same without them!
BLUEBOTTLE: I know, I was
disguised as myself. Hee-Hee. I have made a little jokules. Hee-Hee. Waits for
audience applause, not a sausinge.
SEAGOON: Tell me,
little stringy chinless agent, what are the secret orders?
BLUEBOTTLE: You are to
follow me to the football stadium. There we are to insert the dreaded dynamite
into the football boots of every Hunjarian player. And, when they kick the
ball, aieeee-hey-hey
SEAGOON:
Aieeee-hey-hey. So that's the plan. Right, lead on.
OMNES: (singing)
Give me some men, some stout hearted men, who will fight
FX: Door opened violently.
SEAGOON: In here,
lads. This is their changing room. Now, those must be their boots. Now, insert
the dynamite in the toecaps
BLUEBOTTLE: Right, here
Eccles. Hold these three red sticks of dynamite
ECCLES: Wait a
moment, one of them is a stick of Blackpool Rock
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh! Are you
sure, Eccles?
ECCLES: Of course I'm
sure. Just a minute. (tastes it, swallows)
GRAMS: Explosion
ECCLES: Of course I
could be wrong, ho ho!
BLUEBOTTLE: Hee-Hee. look
at Old Eccles. He has blown all his toothy pegs out of his mouth. Hee-Hee. What
a funny! Hee-Hee -
GRAMS: Explosion
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swine, you, Eccles. You rotten swine, you! While I was laughing you dropped a
stick of dynamite down my trousers! Oh, I'm expos-ed. Expos-ed to the elements.
Aiiigh! Moves left, places scout hat over shattered area, continues with the
play.
SEAGOON: Are you both
all right?
ECCLES: Yup!
SEAGOON: Curse! Ah,
never mind. I've fixed their boots. Now, back to the Embassy
GRAMS: Two whooshes
FX: Door being shut
SEAGOON: Ah, Bloodnok.
Switch on the radio, quick.
BLOODNOK: Right, the
match has just started
ECCLES: Goodie goodie
goodie
GRAMS: Football
crowd atmosphere
COMMENTATOR: And the teams
are just coming on to the field now,
SEAGOON: Ha-Ha. This
is the end of the Hungarians, lads!
COMMENTATOR: The match was
nearly called off because the British team forgot their football boots, but the
Hungarians sportingly gave them theirs.
SEAGOON: and ECCLES: No, No! Stop
the match! Stop! No!
ORCHESTRA: Start theme tune, but...
BLUEBOTTLE: Noooo! Stop
it! Stop the tune! I say, is that the end of the game?
SEAGOON: Yes, you
little shattered unit
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh, that was
a rotten game! I don't like playing that game!
(Bluebottle, Neddy and Eccles argue)
BLUEBOTTLE: I'll get you
for that at playtime Eccles!
Orchestra: Theme tune
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra
was conducted by Wally Scott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace
Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.